I think it has been nearly 6 months I havent posted on this blog. hahaha.. well firstly too many things have been going on... new life, a new change, a new begining...firstly, being in aussie, getting homesick-something I dun wish to revive again.:P and then dance classes, getting myself into deep shits. hehehe... and online quizes, tutorial test, getting back my marks. Scoring badly for my first ever assingment. well, its my first one.. and I already hate assingments. It has, indeed motivated me to do better, but still... ugh
I wonder why? I used to be so studious. *perasan sikit* :P.. but seriously, during sunway times, I was studying like my ass off! and now I cant sit still for 30 mins. :S scary sial. but there it goes again... diff environment.. but ive been in this environment for a loooonnnggg time already. crazy la. need to get my focus bck.
Secondly(idunno where was the firstly) i have stopped meditating. :( i dunno. I just havent been meditating for nearly 3 months. I need to take the course bck again! desperately need to. it gives me all the motivation, courahe and pace that I need. and I know I shouldnt have. Once u get things ur way, u forget how u originally got it. hahaha. thats what I am doing. *guilt face*
oooohhh... i went to port stephens with amu chechi, sandhya, nisha and sandhya's mum. was awesome. drove up... has fun... sceneries were breathtaking. (clearly up to this point you can see I have terrible english) we shall brush on that , SOON. :P
next, I am leaving for melbourne tmr.... Sime darby meeting up. I hope i dun look like a dummy. everytime since I ve been here, my self confidence is ZERO! ugh. I feel like a tiny insect crumbling down to pieces. oooh yeah! <3. hahaha.. sometimes I nvr want to aim so high, I just want to stay in my comfort zone. I guess I need my fuel ( mummys advice).
urmm.... finally, I think, no, I know I should be listening to fara's advice.... Dont give someone hope. I know its the worst thing I can do. and I shan't. I shall or atleast try to gradually stop. I need not a place to have some care.. I know many who dont. (well If u know what type of care I mean) I dont think I have changed in any way. all that I wonder to myself is why am I acting like this? there used to be a period where I told myself no more stuffs like this...its gna be uni and studies. thats all. Maybe, afterall I should be sticking to what I said to myself....
mummy, seriously, the food here is all so damn nice... and its kinda annoying and irritating to know that you have put on all the weight u lost. :( i am hitting the gym once I get back.. but see, the wedding is too soon. I cant make any changes to look good int he wedding.
dearest mouth- pls stop munching... <3
ama and eya i miss loads. hahaha.... i wish to be bck home with everyone by my side. I think it will come true sooooon! 3 more weeks, yippie yuppy!!!!!
at the end of the day, I think Uni shapes a persons character...
Help ever, Hurt never...
~Kave~
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
Sunday, June 27, 2010
those love movies...
hola! I am back! finally.. lol..
Ive actually been super lazy to blog. I just like to read. and today i thought, i might just blog on something... well, i always blog about myself and wht i think...
So here's another one...
its about love movies and love stories and etc...
I dunno. at times certain movies are very nicely taken and like really awesome that you wish it could happen to you. (p/s this is why some ppl say dun watch fairy tales) hahaha.... i dunno.. I feel the same too.
like watching such movies builds a desire in you to want to feel the same. ( i repeat,this is a ps opinion)..
I dunno how many would agree with me though.. plus, i feel its not really good. You expected to be treated in a certain way. and expectations are a big NO NO!
so, as such... there, u cant go on not watching such movies or reading such books.. coz.. err.. if there isnt anything like tht, u cant possibly read or watch anything anymore i think!
i guess, ive just got to tell myself, its just a movie. 'happily ever after' doesnt exist. but, in fact, I do, FOR SURE know tht it doesnt exist. its just certain moments, you wish u were like in the movie. hahaha
sighs.... so thts it...
loads of love,
Kave
Ive actually been super lazy to blog. I just like to read. and today i thought, i might just blog on something... well, i always blog about myself and wht i think...
So here's another one...
its about love movies and love stories and etc...
I dunno. at times certain movies are very nicely taken and like really awesome that you wish it could happen to you. (p/s this is why some ppl say dun watch fairy tales) hahaha.... i dunno.. I feel the same too.
like watching such movies builds a desire in you to want to feel the same. ( i repeat,this is a ps opinion)..
I dunno how many would agree with me though.. plus, i feel its not really good. You expected to be treated in a certain way. and expectations are a big NO NO!
so, as such... there, u cant go on not watching such movies or reading such books.. coz.. err.. if there isnt anything like tht, u cant possibly read or watch anything anymore i think!
i guess, ive just got to tell myself, its just a movie. 'happily ever after' doesnt exist. but, in fact, I do, FOR SURE know tht it doesnt exist. its just certain moments, you wish u were like in the movie. hahaha
sighs.... so thts it...
loads of love,
Kave
Friday, June 11, 2010
I am back :D
well, hi once again. hehehe. and sorry for the very late update. well, Ive been busy with work.... err, correction, not so busy coz my work doesnt actually require me to do ANYTHING. i am lucky wacky. :D
and i get paiiiddd! lol
actually, its mimie whoz been reminding me to blog. :D. and i found this link to change my layout,etc, so I was just playing around.
hehe, Ive actually read a few Jodi picoults books tht are like AWESOME. to me la. :P.
i'd wanted to blog about them. but i sorta forgot the story line. the actualy story line. zzzzz
ok, lets see, the most interesting one tht ive read...
is the Perfect match.
Its about this defense attorney, Nina frost. she deals with child molestation cases. and she knows like wht kinda trauma the parents and the child undergoes.
shes married to Caleb, and has abest friend named Patrick, who is a police officer. She also has a child around five to seven named Nathaniel. :) so heres how the story goes.
One day, after church, tht night, Nina realises her son doesnt seem to talk. and i mean not talk much, but not talk AT ALL.
SO she gets worried. then she waits for a few days...as in 3-4 days. super duper woried, she takes him to a speech terapist, but nathaniel just refuses to budge. about a week and somethin ghappens ins chool, she takes him to meet a psychatrist. i mean this god-forsaken child isnt talking. she tries to teach him sign language also. but Caleb is totally against it. so during the seconf visit to the psychatrist, they allow him to play at a corner and watch him. he takes this doll and shoves him tumb up the dolls butt.
Nina, immediately knows wht he means. wht has happened. But she is stoned, WHY? coz she has seen it happening to millions of other children. but this is her own child. Her freaking own little child. She was speechless and desperately wanted answers. At the same time, she couldnt imagine her son being put under the same stressful conditions as the other children. I mean u know how court casses work. they take like a few years. and in the end when the child is ready to talk, the prosecutor bombards the child so much, he is said to be unfit for a trial. well, cruel, but thts how the court works these days. and thus, the family and her best friend are crushed.
so she brings him to the sign language class.after a few classes, she slowly starts asking him to tell her who did it. I mean this is all after like desperate tries of making him answer who te hell did it. she is a mother. wht else can she do? she wanted answers!!!!! and patrick was there all the way to lead her tru. It was already a police case. SO, slowly, one day, while signalling his mother, he said, FATHER DID THIS TO ME.
and nina was shocked. FATHER???? as u mean??? UR DADDY??? CALEB!!???? OMG! she immediately calls patrick and crushes down to tears while telling him this. Out of rage, she drives out to Caleb... and tells him something spiteful. so, the police come and arrest Caleb. He is sent to jail. for a few days. what pained Caleb the most was tht he couldnt see his son. So one day, Nina came to the polica station to se patrick. and brought Nathaniel along. Nathaniel who was very upset coz he couldnt see his daddy, immediately jumped at his sight. the officers had to practically pull both of them apart. and mind you, nathaniel was crying his lungs out to be seperated from his dad.
hmm...tht was one thing Nina didnt understand. If it was Caleb who did it, why was nahtaniel so adamantly wanting his daddy... Patrick was confused too. SO he started slowly asking Nathaniel/ One day, around a week later, nathaniel comes up to him and says, its Father Gwen.
Or so, tht was wt patrick heard.
he knew he had the wrong guy. the father tht nathaniel had said wasnt his daddy, it was the sch priest, father Swensyiki, or commonly known as father Gwen.
Father gwen was arrested. Patrick went into investigation and found the underwear tht Nathaniel was wearing in a locker room in church, was stained with sperm. Sent it to the lab. and DNA results turned out to be positive.
SO it was father Gwen. Nina frost was fuming at rage. it was the day of arraingment. whr u see wether the prosecutor pleads guilty or not guilty. So she gets a handgun. walks down the courtroom, as she usually does, and pulls the trigger right at Father Gwens head. shooot!
he is dead.
she ends up in jail.
But it doesnt seem right again. Father Gwen was adored by all, everyone. hmm/.. NIna took the lab results again. In every DNA test, its a 99.9% confirmation tht its correct and proven right. But the 0.01% applies to twins. so she just does a random search on his background. doesnt make sense. Patrick continues Nina's work while she is held for murder. he looks out for the date tht all happened. the date Nathaniel went mute. tht day, apparently a group of priests from another church had com eover. so a crosscheck found out tht father there was a father GLEN. but who the hell is father glen???
He is a priest, who donated his bone marrow to father Gwen coz Father Gwen had leukimia. So crap. in father Gwens body, there were two samples of DNA. the one in the semen is diff from the one in the blood!!!! look at how a 0.01% diff can change it all. sighs. Nina gets acquitted. and is convicted with a confinement in country. alls safe. and the real molester, Father Glen, he is dead, died of heart attack, so is father Gwen, the innocent priest.
and i get paiiiddd! lol
actually, its mimie whoz been reminding me to blog. :D. and i found this link to change my layout,etc, so I was just playing around.
hehe, Ive actually read a few Jodi picoults books tht are like AWESOME. to me la. :P.
i'd wanted to blog about them. but i sorta forgot the story line. the actualy story line. zzzzz
ok, lets see, the most interesting one tht ive read...
is the Perfect match.
Its about this defense attorney, Nina frost. she deals with child molestation cases. and she knows like wht kinda trauma the parents and the child undergoes.
shes married to Caleb, and has abest friend named Patrick, who is a police officer. She also has a child around five to seven named Nathaniel. :) so heres how the story goes.
One day, after church, tht night, Nina realises her son doesnt seem to talk. and i mean not talk much, but not talk AT ALL.
SO she gets worried. then she waits for a few days...as in 3-4 days. super duper woried, she takes him to a speech terapist, but nathaniel just refuses to budge. about a week and somethin ghappens ins chool, she takes him to meet a psychatrist. i mean this god-forsaken child isnt talking. she tries to teach him sign language also. but Caleb is totally against it. so during the seconf visit to the psychatrist, they allow him to play at a corner and watch him. he takes this doll and shoves him tumb up the dolls butt.
Nina, immediately knows wht he means. wht has happened. But she is stoned, WHY? coz she has seen it happening to millions of other children. but this is her own child. Her freaking own little child. She was speechless and desperately wanted answers. At the same time, she couldnt imagine her son being put under the same stressful conditions as the other children. I mean u know how court casses work. they take like a few years. and in the end when the child is ready to talk, the prosecutor bombards the child so much, he is said to be unfit for a trial. well, cruel, but thts how the court works these days. and thus, the family and her best friend are crushed.
so she brings him to the sign language class.after a few classes, she slowly starts asking him to tell her who did it. I mean this is all after like desperate tries of making him answer who te hell did it. she is a mother. wht else can she do? she wanted answers!!!!! and patrick was there all the way to lead her tru. It was already a police case. SO, slowly, one day, while signalling his mother, he said, FATHER DID THIS TO ME.
and nina was shocked. FATHER???? as u mean??? UR DADDY??? CALEB!!???? OMG! she immediately calls patrick and crushes down to tears while telling him this. Out of rage, she drives out to Caleb... and tells him something spiteful. so, the police come and arrest Caleb. He is sent to jail. for a few days. what pained Caleb the most was tht he couldnt see his son. So one day, Nina came to the polica station to se patrick. and brought Nathaniel along. Nathaniel who was very upset coz he couldnt see his daddy, immediately jumped at his sight. the officers had to practically pull both of them apart. and mind you, nathaniel was crying his lungs out to be seperated from his dad.
hmm...tht was one thing Nina didnt understand. If it was Caleb who did it, why was nahtaniel so adamantly wanting his daddy... Patrick was confused too. SO he started slowly asking Nathaniel/ One day, around a week later, nathaniel comes up to him and says, its Father Gwen.
Or so, tht was wt patrick heard.
he knew he had the wrong guy. the father tht nathaniel had said wasnt his daddy, it was the sch priest, father Swensyiki, or commonly known as father Gwen.
Father gwen was arrested. Patrick went into investigation and found the underwear tht Nathaniel was wearing in a locker room in church, was stained with sperm. Sent it to the lab. and DNA results turned out to be positive.
SO it was father Gwen. Nina frost was fuming at rage. it was the day of arraingment. whr u see wether the prosecutor pleads guilty or not guilty. So she gets a handgun. walks down the courtroom, as she usually does, and pulls the trigger right at Father Gwens head. shooot!
he is dead.
she ends up in jail.
But it doesnt seem right again. Father Gwen was adored by all, everyone. hmm/.. NIna took the lab results again. In every DNA test, its a 99.9% confirmation tht its correct and proven right. But the 0.01% applies to twins. so she just does a random search on his background. doesnt make sense. Patrick continues Nina's work while she is held for murder. he looks out for the date tht all happened. the date Nathaniel went mute. tht day, apparently a group of priests from another church had com eover. so a crosscheck found out tht father there was a father GLEN. but who the hell is father glen???
He is a priest, who donated his bone marrow to father Gwen coz Father Gwen had leukimia. So crap. in father Gwens body, there were two samples of DNA. the one in the semen is diff from the one in the blood!!!! look at how a 0.01% diff can change it all. sighs. Nina gets acquitted. and is convicted with a confinement in country. alls safe. and the real molester, Father Glen, he is dead, died of heart attack, so is father Gwen, the innocent priest.
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
the heart and the mind arent synchronised
hola!
its been a long time since i blogged. :)
firstly, i miss all the girls. damn~ its like so long ive not seen them.... hmm.... <3
secondly, im working. not busy working. so ive no internet access from 8 to 4. sobsss/
well, the rest of the time im too lazy. :D
ive been doing quite a few dance shows. so busy dancing. and with dance comes aches and bruises and sleep. :D so, im like addicted to sleeping. hahahha. till some one caled me a sleeping beauty. lol.
thats mostly about it. these past two days have sent me loads of msgs. maybe im getting the wrong signals, signs, etc.
but well, im just gona write it out.
i think, i should just let things go by the flow. i should not tell my heart what to feel and what not.
the once upon a time wonderful feelings have vanished.
and again, i fail. i blame it all upon myself. not on anyone. i should have been wiser not to get into this deep shit hole. and known the shortcomings i would have to face later. warns myself to what im getting into.
and no, i didnt. i failed at this same very point, AGAIN. :)
im not saying im happy but neither am I sad. I dont know why. its all in there, but yet it isnt coming out like it did, a few weeks earlier. my mind is tellin g me, its over. dun bother looking back. my hearts teeling me no, its still there.
but at the end of the day, shouldnt i see how well i get along. how well i solve problems, how well i deal with things. and not just how happy or excited i get?
its like tht. i was just thinking. if a tiny winny problem stirred so much confusion. millions of apologies. and it still crops up, then what about bigg bigg, and i mean BIG problems? how will they be solved?
i have had no intention to hurt someone, infact anyone intentionally. all tht i do i follow my feelings and i sincerely mean every move. if i do, or did something wron, i apologise, ive apologised and im sorry.
yet, some where in my mind, im blocking things out. its giving me a headache. ive now have a mental block. its so painful, my head tht is. :D.
i wish certain things were like dust, to be just wiped or blown away. instead it stays there like rust and keeps rusting.
ive no idea how things are on the other side, or other corner. somewhere in my heart, i still wish things are the same. Its the norm right? im still a human being. <3
i close my eyes and whisper a prayer, hoping tht its all over. hoping tht it gets better, or hoping tht it all ends. i promised myself nvr to give up, and here i am, hanging at the end of the rope, falling off a cliff, landing on my deathbed. (ewww, tht was emo)
<3 and hugs.
Kaveiinaa
its been a long time since i blogged. :)
firstly, i miss all the girls. damn~ its like so long ive not seen them.... hmm.... <3
secondly, im working. not busy working. so ive no internet access from 8 to 4. sobsss/
well, the rest of the time im too lazy. :D
ive been doing quite a few dance shows. so busy dancing. and with dance comes aches and bruises and sleep. :D so, im like addicted to sleeping. hahahha. till some one caled me a sleeping beauty. lol.
thats mostly about it. these past two days have sent me loads of msgs. maybe im getting the wrong signals, signs, etc.
but well, im just gona write it out.
i think, i should just let things go by the flow. i should not tell my heart what to feel and what not.
the once upon a time wonderful feelings have vanished.
and again, i fail. i blame it all upon myself. not on anyone. i should have been wiser not to get into this deep shit hole. and known the shortcomings i would have to face later. warns myself to what im getting into.
and no, i didnt. i failed at this same very point, AGAIN. :)
im not saying im happy but neither am I sad. I dont know why. its all in there, but yet it isnt coming out like it did, a few weeks earlier. my mind is tellin g me, its over. dun bother looking back. my hearts teeling me no, its still there.
but at the end of the day, shouldnt i see how well i get along. how well i solve problems, how well i deal with things. and not just how happy or excited i get?
its like tht. i was just thinking. if a tiny winny problem stirred so much confusion. millions of apologies. and it still crops up, then what about bigg bigg, and i mean BIG problems? how will they be solved?
i have had no intention to hurt someone, infact anyone intentionally. all tht i do i follow my feelings and i sincerely mean every move. if i do, or did something wron, i apologise, ive apologised and im sorry.
yet, some where in my mind, im blocking things out. its giving me a headache. ive now have a mental block. its so painful, my head tht is. :D.
i wish certain things were like dust, to be just wiped or blown away. instead it stays there like rust and keeps rusting.
ive no idea how things are on the other side, or other corner. somewhere in my heart, i still wish things are the same. Its the norm right? im still a human being. <3
i close my eyes and whisper a prayer, hoping tht its all over. hoping tht it gets better, or hoping tht it all ends. i promised myself nvr to give up, and here i am, hanging at the end of the rope, falling off a cliff, landing on my deathbed. (ewww, tht was emo)
<3 and hugs.
Kaveiinaa
Saturday, April 10, 2010
Kanden kadhalai- Naan mozhi arinden
Naan mozhi arindhen un vaarthayil
andru naan vazhi arindhen un paarvayil
naan ennai arindhen un arugilenaan thisai arindhen un vizhiyile
indru naan vali arindhen un pirivile
Naan mozhi arindhen un vaarthayil
andru naan vazhi arindhen un paarvayil
nalladhoru poo vaasam naan arindha velayil
nandha vanam pona idam naan ariyenen
nudaya aahayam kai serndha velayil
vennilavu pona idam naan ariyen
kaatrai pola veesiyaval
kayyai veesi ponadhengey
ootrai pola pesiyaval
oomai aagi ponadhengey
vaazhvai meetu koduthavaley
neeyum tholaindhu ponadhengey
Naan mozhi arindhen un vaarthayil
andru naan vazhi arindhen un paarvayil
kannimayil ore aasai onnjalidum velayil
unmaigalai ulmanadhil kaanbadhillai
punnagayil naan thoonga aasai patta velayil
un madiyil thoongum nilai nyayam illai
megam engu pogum enaneela vaanam ninaipadhillai
kaalam podum veligalaikaalgal thaandi nadapadhillai
vazhndhu pogum vaazhkayiley
namadhu kayyil yedhum illai
Naan mozhi arindhen un vaarthayil
andru naan vazhi arindhen un paarvayil
naan ennai arindhen un arugile
naan thisai arindhen un vizhiyile
indru naan vali arindhen un pirivile
Naan mozhi arindhen un vaarthayil
andru naan vazhi arindhen un paarvayil
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
neaty heart
i am not in a happy mode or sad mode or angry either. i am just tired. :)
I put on a happy front, hoping tht things would change. I know it would. i pray for things to go back where it was. for it all to be the same. i need to learn. from my mistakes. and i hope you dont repeat yours.
things will be fine, i know it. at the back of my mind. i shut my eyes and hope for the better.
the word hope seems to be coming on a lot, aint it? yes, coz i hope. thats all I can do. i know you arent just 'any other.'
:)
i will wait.
I put on a happy front, hoping tht things would change. I know it would. i pray for things to go back where it was. for it all to be the same. i need to learn. from my mistakes. and i hope you dont repeat yours.
things will be fine, i know it. at the back of my mind. i shut my eyes and hope for the better.
the word hope seems to be coming on a lot, aint it? yes, coz i hope. thats all I can do. i know you arent just 'any other.'
:)
i will wait.
Saturday, April 3, 2010
As of from thursday, 1st April,12 am till now.
I dont know. and i dont get it. I dont want to give up. I've done it too many times. I want to stick to it.
Why do you torture me such, oh little feather.
I've never donne such a thing to anyone. more like for anyone! WHY YOU? why do you have such an attraction over my life, over me?? WHY?
I've cried buckets, I feel cheap. This isnt me. I shall wait.
Thats all is runing through my head.
But i dont get it. like seriously. what did i do wrong. why land me with a 40 degree celsius fever. WHY? ugh. you would never know it. atleast not until you read this blog.
I dont want to feel such vulnerability. I am strong. But just what mistake did i Do? I try to be myself. THINK WHAT I WANT TO THINK. and POOOOFFFF there it all goes into thin air.
I have begged enough like a dog. Now, all i shall do is wait. and WAIT. and waiting is ****ing hell.
guys.
I dont get it. how can you go on with the next second without thinking of your problems. I mean if it were me...i would wanna solve tht problem and get on with life. like the way it is. the way its used to be. But no, i will wait.
god-dammit. there it goes. moist on the cheek.
hey, i found out something today. I am hell of a good actor at home. :D so proud.
But its all a lie. crumbled to pieces. like pea-NUTs.
I suck it all in and wait. gather whatever little self respect i have in myself.... and wait.
someone asked, why i choose to wait? and not move on?
the answer is tht moving on was and is never an option. GET IT? never!
ugh. i feel like a smashed sushi. like a lifeless vegetable.
terrible,
horrible,
vegetable.
It rhymed! yeay! argh!
I know whatever ive said is gonna sound perfectly wrong. But yeah. it is wrong.
i just want it as it was before. before these past few weeks. atleast before thursday.
I nvr meant to hurt anyone. Not intentionally. why such suckiness in my life.
sick.
from a sick bird,
kave.
Why do you torture me such, oh little feather.
I've never donne such a thing to anyone. more like for anyone! WHY YOU? why do you have such an attraction over my life, over me?? WHY?
I've cried buckets, I feel cheap. This isnt me. I shall wait.
Thats all is runing through my head.
But i dont get it. like seriously. what did i do wrong. why land me with a 40 degree celsius fever. WHY? ugh. you would never know it. atleast not until you read this blog.
I dont want to feel such vulnerability. I am strong. But just what mistake did i Do? I try to be myself. THINK WHAT I WANT TO THINK. and POOOOFFFF there it all goes into thin air.
I have begged enough like a dog. Now, all i shall do is wait. and WAIT. and waiting is ****ing hell.
guys.
I dont get it. how can you go on with the next second without thinking of your problems. I mean if it were me...i would wanna solve tht problem and get on with life. like the way it is. the way its used to be. But no, i will wait.
god-dammit. there it goes. moist on the cheek.
hey, i found out something today. I am hell of a good actor at home. :D so proud.
But its all a lie. crumbled to pieces. like pea-NUTs.
I suck it all in and wait. gather whatever little self respect i have in myself.... and wait.
someone asked, why i choose to wait? and not move on?
the answer is tht moving on was and is never an option. GET IT? never!
ugh. i feel like a smashed sushi. like a lifeless vegetable.
terrible,
horrible,
vegetable.
It rhymed! yeay! argh!
I know whatever ive said is gonna sound perfectly wrong. But yeah. it is wrong.
i just want it as it was before. before these past few weeks. atleast before thursday.
I nvr meant to hurt anyone. Not intentionally. why such suckiness in my life.
sick.
from a sick bird,
kave.
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